Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

My birthstone is a marshmallow

Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

*updates tinder bio*

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.