Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

much to think about