There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
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Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Somewhere in an alternate universe
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like