Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

superman landing like a plane on his belly

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

started wrapping my pills in cheese

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere