I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
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It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
