I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
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Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously