I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
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ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.