Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

Bike is short for Bichael.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles