Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.