Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?