I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
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The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.