I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
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Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Never ghost your hitman.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.