I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….