I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
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November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.