I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
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the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I can also cook 😂
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”