I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
You Might Also Like
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air