I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.