I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
greetings!
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.