I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
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a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”