I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
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DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad