I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
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Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Thinking about Jeff
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No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
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