Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

i’m gonna allow it

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

Going to church you guys need anything

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?