Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

two people or more is called a problem

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.