Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

Me when I’m ovulating

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.