i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
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People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.