I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.