I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
