I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I’m giving up for Lent.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived