I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.