I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”