Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

#oldknees

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.