Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

Places I won’t be going in 2025:

Above and beyond
Out of my way

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place