Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.