god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
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One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I want to meet the individual who made this
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.