Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

choose your gary

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

This will teach them to underestimate me

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.