Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

house sitting!

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

Blew my mind.

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.