Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

hmmm

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet