I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
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[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
A game married people play.
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Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute