I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
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[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
seems like a niche market
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.