I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
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At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.