I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
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Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
me
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
May your day taste like creamy soup.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”