I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
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Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
*seductively eats two tums*
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
How it started How it’s going
