Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up