@Lerky

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

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@ThRealBallsDeep

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

@Robert_Beau

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

@mortimermaiden

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

@BastardProphet

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

@iwearaonesie

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

@UnFitz

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

@Eden_Eats

Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I’m reading?

@elle91

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

@dksc4life

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple