@Lerky

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

- @Lerky

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@Mom_Overboard

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

@HorribleDancer

Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

@stacywawa1

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

@Home_Halfway

COMEDY FAN: Ugh their set was only 95% new material, lame

MUSIC FAN: Oh man I hope they play my favorite song that they’ve played 71,000 times

@lisaxy424

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

@Darlainky

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

@Tiny_Rickshaw

wife: i’ve sent the kids to the sitter

me: cool

wife: *taking clothes off* you know what that means?

me: yeah, someone who looks after our children for money

@pizzajaynow

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

@david8hughes

I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.

@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!