@Mom_Overboard Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
@Lerky I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
- @Lerky
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@Mom_Overboard 
@HorribleDancer Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
@stacywawa1 The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
@Home_Halfway COMEDY FAN: Ugh their set was only 95% new material, lame
MUSIC FAN: Oh man I hope they play my favorite song that they’ve played 71,000 times
@lisaxy424 I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
@Darlainky There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
@Tiny_Rickshaw wife: i’ve sent the kids to the sitter
me: cool
wife: *taking clothes off* you know what that means?
me: yeah, someone who looks after our children for money
@pizzajaynow You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
@david8hughes I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.
@mydmac *answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!