@Jeff_G_Nixon: "Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!" CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.

@SteveSuckington: [at adoption agency] "Why do you think you'd be a good fit for adoption?" *cut to a baby mowing my lawn* "I just love kids"

@jacquiewalters: "What should we name them?" Grapes "And what about these?" Grapefruits "I see. So one is a larger version of another?" Not at all "Perfect"

@canadasandra: the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

@vapidaccount: Thanks autocorrect...clearly "I am fantasy" is a better answer than "fantastic" when asked how I'm doing...