I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
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i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
this is funnier than any friends episode
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.