Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

Hilarious if literal: arms race

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.