Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.