I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
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[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket