Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
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Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Relationship Status: changing locks
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.