I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

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Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.


Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*


*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!


If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.


[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd


Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.


Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.