@kimtopher22: I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
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@SatansTongue: *el chapo dies* God: okay I'm gonna have to send you to hell Chapo: ok *3 weeks later* Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell
@TheTweetOfGod: It's not that he liked big butts; it's that he could not lie. THAT'S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
@JaiWalker: *buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* *panics* OMG WHAT'S THAT NOISE? *son walks in with powered toothbrush* *buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* thank GOD.
@JasonLastname: Law enforcement's cracking down on texting while driving, but there's no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.