Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.