12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
You Might Also Like
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.