I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
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What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
