Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

My life coach traded me.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.