Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.