Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

kitchen magnet

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL