I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
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Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Should I call tech support or pray or what