Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

The Joker was right

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

S/o to @funTweeters .

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying