Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no