Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

Ion see the issue

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos