I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
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I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
This is painfully accurate 😅
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink