I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”