Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.