I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
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Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes