I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
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“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I put the p in pants.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell