I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
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You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
the #horror is real!
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.