I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
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[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *