I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
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just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
when mom throws a party…
