Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*