Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths