I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
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At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
And now we wait
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.